Modern Day Air-Travel; or Buses That Fly
In aftermath of the JetBlue debacle, I feel its the right time to unleash a frustrated rant about air-travel that I've had bottled up in me for some time.
Just as a preface...I've been on ten flights in three months (two on JetBlue); my luggage was lost twice (once with JetBlue, once with Delta), half the flights were delayed, each of them was packed to the gills. I nearly missed one flight because, though I was sitting five feet from the gate, no announcements were made until the plane was literally sealing its door to go. On two of the flights there were babies that screamed in mortal pain for the entire trip, on one flight the toilet odors seeped upward and throughout the plane. Going through security was actually a highlight of the whole thing. If I had a perfect memory, I could go on, but these most recent flights are a pretty good sampling.
Didn't flying used to be glamourous? Remember the pleasant stewardesses with Southern accents who were just dying to take care of your every need? Remember when you actually had a chance of sitting next to an empty seat? Remember when you could be reasonably sure the plane would take off on time and that you'd get your luggage? Neither do I, fine...some things never change, but air-travel, in general has become a colossal and uncomfortable pain in the ass, for the following reasons.
1.) Carry-Ons
When did carry-ons become the size of regular suitcases? Have you seen the size of some of the things people try to carry on planes these days? By the time the plane is half-full, the overhead bins are filled. On small planes they now allow you to leave your bag outside the plane (in hopes that it will be taken to your destination) and you can pick it up after the flight. This just causes the airlines to spend more time dealing with baggage, and less time getting you to your destination.
Solution: Go back to the one carry-on policy (some airlines already do), and enforce tighter size limits. You know those metal things they keep beside the security line saying "If your bag is bigger than this..."? Well, put those at the baggage-check, and make them HALF the size. If a bag is too big...check it. Even if you are the CEO of a corporation, you can't possibly need more than your laptop, your cellphone, and maybe something to read or an extra toothbrush. If you don't like checking your bags or don't want to, drive.
2.) Stewardesses
Stewardesses are no longer friendly. I don't know when this change happened, but I remember the situation being vastly different when I was a kid, in the late 80s and even early 90s. Back then stewardess were these young, amazon women from the South who existed only to serve. They made you feel at home, even important, and were only too happy to chat with you for a moment. Maybe that's just the distorted memory of a ten year old boy, but I still can't get over how callous most of the stewardess are these days. Honestly, I would be too if I had that job. The general public is difficult to deal with on a day-in day-out basis. Hell, even being in airports puts me in a foul mood, so I can imagine how they feel. Still, I long for the days of old.
Solution: There is none. Air travel just isn't glamorous anymore, and there's no need to pretend that it is. It's only sentimental fools like me who still can't accept it.
3.) Security
I'm 100% in favor of tighter airport security, but it has ruined air-travel. The latest "liquids" ban is just another chapter in the sad story of how terrorism has messed everything up for the average person. You now have to remove your jacket, belt, shoes, cell phone, wallet, coins, keys, etc., etc., in order to pass security. And non-passengers can't go past security, totally eliminating the "I'll meet you at the gate" phenomenon, though, in many cases, that just saved everybody a lot of hassle.
Solution: Nude air-travel. Make everyone strip completely naked in order go through security and board an airplane. Of course, supply blankets and sandals for sanitary purposes, but otherwise, no clothes. Check them with the baggage, baby. This would have some interesting results, I think. If nothing else it would reduce the number of air travelers by half, or maybe banish our leftover, Puritan notions of modesty forever. We wouldn't miss them...
...
Basically, what I'm saying is that with so many people flying, air travel has lost any sense of glamor or dignity it once had. It is a relatively safe and fast mode of transport, the fastest we have, and it's great that it's available to everyone. So, let's stop the shenanigans and make the airlines government owned. Let's stop with the free bags of chips and the soda on 60 minute flights. Cut all the expenses down to a MINIMUM, standardize everything, including wages, schedules, and fares. With gas prices going through the roof, soon private airlines aren't going to be able to stay in business anyway. They are just going to cost-cut themselves into oblivion, until there are no stewardesses, and passengers have to be recruited to load bags and fly the plane.
The government could allow maybe two or three airlines to operate privately and charge what they wanted, just so occasionally you can spend some money and have a luxurious flight. Otherwise, it should be as economical and sparing as traveling on a bus, which is what it feels like anyway.
Just as a preface...I've been on ten flights in three months (two on JetBlue); my luggage was lost twice (once with JetBlue, once with Delta), half the flights were delayed, each of them was packed to the gills. I nearly missed one flight because, though I was sitting five feet from the gate, no announcements were made until the plane was literally sealing its door to go. On two of the flights there were babies that screamed in mortal pain for the entire trip, on one flight the toilet odors seeped upward and throughout the plane. Going through security was actually a highlight of the whole thing. If I had a perfect memory, I could go on, but these most recent flights are a pretty good sampling.
Didn't flying used to be glamourous? Remember the pleasant stewardesses with Southern accents who were just dying to take care of your every need? Remember when you actually had a chance of sitting next to an empty seat? Remember when you could be reasonably sure the plane would take off on time and that you'd get your luggage? Neither do I, fine...some things never change, but air-travel, in general has become a colossal and uncomfortable pain in the ass, for the following reasons.
1.) Carry-Ons
When did carry-ons become the size of regular suitcases? Have you seen the size of some of the things people try to carry on planes these days? By the time the plane is half-full, the overhead bins are filled. On small planes they now allow you to leave your bag outside the plane (in hopes that it will be taken to your destination) and you can pick it up after the flight. This just causes the airlines to spend more time dealing with baggage, and less time getting you to your destination.
Solution: Go back to the one carry-on policy (some airlines already do), and enforce tighter size limits. You know those metal things they keep beside the security line saying "If your bag is bigger than this..."? Well, put those at the baggage-check, and make them HALF the size. If a bag is too big...check it. Even if you are the CEO of a corporation, you can't possibly need more than your laptop, your cellphone, and maybe something to read or an extra toothbrush. If you don't like checking your bags or don't want to, drive.
2.) Stewardesses
Stewardesses are no longer friendly. I don't know when this change happened, but I remember the situation being vastly different when I was a kid, in the late 80s and even early 90s. Back then stewardess were these young, amazon women from the South who existed only to serve. They made you feel at home, even important, and were only too happy to chat with you for a moment. Maybe that's just the distorted memory of a ten year old boy, but I still can't get over how callous most of the stewardess are these days. Honestly, I would be too if I had that job. The general public is difficult to deal with on a day-in day-out basis. Hell, even being in airports puts me in a foul mood, so I can imagine how they feel. Still, I long for the days of old.
Solution: There is none. Air travel just isn't glamorous anymore, and there's no need to pretend that it is. It's only sentimental fools like me who still can't accept it.
3.) Security
I'm 100% in favor of tighter airport security, but it has ruined air-travel. The latest "liquids" ban is just another chapter in the sad story of how terrorism has messed everything up for the average person. You now have to remove your jacket, belt, shoes, cell phone, wallet, coins, keys, etc., etc., in order to pass security. And non-passengers can't go past security, totally eliminating the "I'll meet you at the gate" phenomenon, though, in many cases, that just saved everybody a lot of hassle.
Solution: Nude air-travel. Make everyone strip completely naked in order go through security and board an airplane. Of course, supply blankets and sandals for sanitary purposes, but otherwise, no clothes. Check them with the baggage, baby. This would have some interesting results, I think. If nothing else it would reduce the number of air travelers by half, or maybe banish our leftover, Puritan notions of modesty forever. We wouldn't miss them...
...
Basically, what I'm saying is that with so many people flying, air travel has lost any sense of glamor or dignity it once had. It is a relatively safe and fast mode of transport, the fastest we have, and it's great that it's available to everyone. So, let's stop the shenanigans and make the airlines government owned. Let's stop with the free bags of chips and the soda on 60 minute flights. Cut all the expenses down to a MINIMUM, standardize everything, including wages, schedules, and fares. With gas prices going through the roof, soon private airlines aren't going to be able to stay in business anyway. They are just going to cost-cut themselves into oblivion, until there are no stewardesses, and passengers have to be recruited to load bags and fly the plane.
The government could allow maybe two or three airlines to operate privately and charge what they wanted, just so occasionally you can spend some money and have a luxurious flight. Otherwise, it should be as economical and sparing as traveling on a bus, which is what it feels like anyway.
Comments
Anyway i couldn't agree more with the pain that the airlines have become, the humiliating effect of stripping down everything as shaneeka barks to take my shoes off and belt. Meanwhile it would be ok if it felt official and militaristic, some sort of steely discipline to it, but what happens is all that hooting and hollering from the barely qualified security agents make me feel like ive just been violated. I despise air travel these days because of the cramped horrible nature of it all...god forbid the airline give you more than some pretzels and a plastic cup with gingerale. Cant an airline make a profit again so that it would actually be a pleasure to fly again. And i dont want to even talk about how i secretly despise the first class passengers who seem to eat caviar and sip champagne while lying supine in their lazy boy chair. Looking at them past that drawn curtain always make me feel terrible, like really showing you a class line thouroughly drawn in the sand..Damm you airlines!!!(shaking fist in air)
bring on the the good ideas to your pain my friend. and quit whining!
the
cuz