A-Rod on the Clock

In the pre-millenium days, drugstores and gift shops used to sell "Millenium Countdown" clocks, that ticked down, to the second, the amount of time until the new millenium. Someobody needs to start making A-Rod Countdown clocks, to measure the time between now and when he bolts from the Yankees or is run out of town by villagers with torches in the middle of the night. I say "when," because as everyone knows, it isn't a question of "if" anymore.

Not only has A-Rod failed to live up to expectations as a Yankee, but he is now running afoul of New York's Golden Boy, Mr. Yankee himself; Derek Jeter. If he was under the microscope before, he will be under the Hubble Space telescope now. Yankee fans will view each breath of his as a grave insult to their beloved club. Each twich of his lip will be countend as grievous affront. He will not be able to do anything, ANYTHING, right. Unless he jumps out of the gate this season with 15 home runs and a .450 average, I predict he will be getting boo-ed by May, and will be gone by the All-Star break. He already cracks under pressure, now he's going to see what its like to play in the toughest sports market in the world, when everyone is just wating for him to fail, nay rooting for him to fail.

The Remedy

If A-Rod is reading this, take this layman's advice if you want to salvage your Yankee career:

1.) STOP TALKING. Do not say anything else to any reporters; not about Jeter, not about The Boss, not about your "feelings," nothing. In the words of Dr. Evil, "Zip it."

2.) RELAX AND PUT UP SOME NUMBERS. You're already basically doomed in New York. So, relax and play like you know you can. If you hit over .350, with 70 home runs and 120 RBI in the regular season, you might thaw-out the New York fan base. Basically, you just need to have the best season of your, or anyone else's, baseball career. Next, in the post-season, hit for no less than .400, drive in 20 RBI, throw in three home runs, and lead the team to a World Series win. Make sure you get a champagne shower on the pitcher's mound of Yankee stadium, in a full embrace with Jeter, with the freshly-minted championship hats on and everything. Pause for a lenghty amount of time for photo ops, in tears, for pics that will appear all over every New York newspaper for two weeks. Do this, and you will be beloved by Yankee fans...until the next season when you will have to start from scratch and prove it wasn't a fluke.

Basically, A-Rod, get out of New York while you can, with some dignity. Go back to a young, rag-tag, West Coast team where your veteran knowledge will be in demand and there will be little chance of making it to the playoffs. Shine, once again. No one blames you for not being able to make it there. Everyone knows New York is the toughest market, for everything. You either make it, or you don't. And better men than you have been laughed out of town...

Comments

seth paine said…
As a redsox fan i am salivating at the certain uncomfortable season that the NY fans are going to put arod through. He was recently quoted as saying " I'll say this one more time, i want to be here and stay a yankee for the rest of my career..period." Translation: Of course i want the hell out of here..but i cant tell you that, i have to play in front of these fans for christ sake...scooby get me off of this crazy thing!!!
So get ready its going to be fun to watch.
Anonymous said…
take a- (hike) rod.

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