Overheard at the Papal Conclave Cocktail Hour
The following are actual, real, not-made-up snippets of conversations picked up on a hidden mic, by our very own Sub-Cardinal Frankie DelGiacomo on his trip to the Papal Conclave, during cocktail hour...
***
"Well what do you want? I’m a quarter Jewish. I never liked the way he looked at me."
"Who do I talk
to about getting the travel reimbursement? I’m still on the hook from the last
conclave."
"Ha. You can forget that money, pal. At
least you get to stay in the Vatican! I’m in a Sofitel on the other side of
Rome. Deplorable. Maybe if they stopped consecrating Cardinals like they were
giving out tickets to a Kevin Federline concert..."
***
"Hey, nice
chasuble. Is that Brioni?"
"No, Armani Couture. Hand
made."
"Really? Very
nice."
[Hushed] "Actually
it’s off the rack. But who can tell, right? I bet you couldn't tell, could you?"
***
"Cardinal Vincenzo,
is it? From Mexico or something? Buenos Aires! Right. Joel Schmenglewitz. West
Chester Diocese of New York. We meet at the Rio Conference in 2008, no?"
"You mean the
Conclave to Elect the Arch-Bishop of Brazil?"
"No...I meant
the Conclave to Re-Elect the Sub-Treasurer of the Carnival Float Committee."
[pause]
"Kidding! I’m
just kidding here. Jeeze."
***
"Psst...I know a
Bishop, I’m not saying names, but he’s giving 15-1 one odds on Cardinal Turkson
for Pope."
Shhh!
"What? It’s all
good, brah. The Regional Demi-Conclave of Altoona okayed inter-diocese gambling by
individuals, in amounts under $500..."
"No, just keep a lid on it or the odds’ll be down to even money by the election. Silentium aureum est! Put me down for
100 euros, would you? I’m good for it."
***
On cell phone:
"Yeah, and we need a guy standing on every
corner with box of those little mini Virgin Mary-shaped vials of Holy Water.
Yeah, and a box of 'Conclave 2013' t-shirts...right...right...the ones that say '#blackpope; on ‘em. You might print up some ‘Scola for Pope’ T-shirts
too while you’re at it...but make sure they’re in Italian this time. And some of those
ones with the face of John-Paul II looking like Che Guevara...yeah...JP still
moves merch."
***
"Taste this. Does
that taste like a ‘72 Chateaunuef du Pape? Huh?"
"No. More like a young Chianti."
"No class. See
what you get when you elect a former Nazi?"
"Stop it. You
never liked Benedict."
"Well what do you want? I’m a quarter Jewish. I never liked the way he looked at me."
"Probably
because you called him Pope Hitler."
"Hey...I was REALLY
hammered that night. See, back then they knew decent vino..."
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