Skip to main content

Water Reviews: Chicago Tap Water

Location: Gold Coast, downtown Chicago, Illinois, U.S.A.

Water: Tap Water

Rating: One Drop (out of five)

Review: How a city situated on the world's largest reservoir of fresh water can have such crappy tasting tap water is beyond me. This stuff tastes like chemical soup. Like liquid vinyl. Soft and mushy on the mouth. No tang. No crispness. Neither acid nor alkaline. Existing on some other scale that hasn't been identified yet. Tastes as though it was left in a plastic container, in a giant car, with the windows rolled up, in the Chicago sun. I feel like this stuff would kill the grass on Wrigley Field. I can't imagine what it is doing to my insides.

I usually look forward to the simple pleasure of drinking down a nice glass of tap water or two in the AM or before bed, but this stuff, it was like taking my vitamins or something. Vitamins that aren't really good for you. Like pharmaceutical runoff. Left a kind of chemically film in the mouth and an uncomfortable irritation in the sinuses. It didn't even get very cold, a fact which I daresay is due to my being situated too high up in the hotel for the water cooler to reach it. If that's even a thing. IDFK.

My main question is: WTF are they doing to this poor stuff after they pull it from Lake Michigan? I feel like I'd have had better luck drinking right from the lake and risked the chance that I'd spend the rest of the night puking. Would that have really happened? I doubt it. And I bet it would have been refreshingly mossy and natural, as compared to this 21st century feat of technology that I feel sure has left chemical deposits of all sorts of varieties in my kidneys.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

New Yorker Fiction Review: "The Apologizer" by Milan Kundera

Issue: May 4, 2015

Rating: $$

Review: It took me five years and three separate attempts to finish Milan Kundera's famous novel, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, but in spite of that, quotes and insights from that book still rattle round my head on a weekly basis. What I mean to say is: my feelings on Kundera are very similar to my feelings on Haruki Murakami. I enjoy reading his work, but in small doses, like this short story.

Like Murakami, Kundera uses elements of magical realism, but where in a Murakami story you might encounter a flying dolphin or a disappearing hotel or a person who has lived his whole life in the same room, refusing to leave, Kundera's magical realism offers more direct insights and perspective on real life.

In Kundera's worlds, time and space are malleable and everything that ever happened in history is happening at the same time, and the narrator is a completely omniscient, caring, witty, and hands-on god-like being.

And so it is with "The Apo…

New Yorker Fiction Reviews: "Meet the President!" by Zadie Smith

Each week I review the short fiction from a recent issue of The New Yorker. If you told me when I was 12 that I'd be doing this I'd have been like, "Dork. There's no such thing as blogs," and I'd have been right...

Issue: Aug. 12 & 19, 2013

Story: "Meet the President!"

Author:Zadie Smith

(Please note: I've developed a highly sophisticated grading system, which I'll be using from now on.  Each story will now receive a Final Grade of either READ IT or DON'T READ it. See the bottom of the review for this story's grade...after you've read the review, natch.)

Plot: Set in England, far into the future (lets say 2113) a privileged youth of 15, named Bill Peek, encounters a few poor villagers from a small, abandoned coastal town on the southeast shore. He meets a little girl named Aggie, who is going to her sister's funeral. Peek is cut-off from real life by a sophisticated video game system that is implanted in his head, therefore th…

A Piece of Advice I Learned From My Grandfather

My grandfather was one of the most learned men I know. He read widely and voraciously, and not just in the sciences (he was a doctor); he loved politics, philosophy, and great literature as well. Whenever he finished a book he would write his thoughts about the book in the front cover and then sign and date it. To this day every once in a while I will open a book from my bookshelf or my mother's bookshelf, or at one of my family members' homes, and there will be my grandfather's handwriting. He was also a great giver of his books; if you remarked that you liked a particular one or wanted to read it, you were almost sure to take it home with you.

Reading is a very solitary pursuit but my grandfather was not a solitary person. He relished having family and friends around him which is convenient because he was blessed with a lot of both. And he carried out his intellectual life in a very "public" way as well. He was, in some ways, an intellectual evangelist. If he r…