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Water Reviews: Chicago Tap Water

Location: Gold Coast, downtown Chicago, Illinois, U.S.A.

Water: Tap Water

Rating: One Drop (out of five)

Review: How a city situated on the world's largest reservoir of fresh water can have such crappy tasting tap water is beyond me. This stuff tastes like chemical soup. Like liquid vinyl. Soft and mushy on the mouth. No tang. No crispness. Neither acid nor alkaline. Existing on some other scale that hasn't been identified yet. Tastes as though it was left in a plastic container, in a giant car, with the windows rolled up, in the Chicago sun. I feel like this stuff would kill the grass on Wrigley Field. I can't imagine what it is doing to my insides.

I usually look forward to the simple pleasure of drinking down a nice glass of tap water or two in the AM or before bed, but this stuff, it was like taking my vitamins or something. Vitamins that aren't really good for you. Like pharmaceutical runoff. Left a kind of chemically film in the mouth and an uncomfortable irritation in the sinuses. It didn't even get very cold, a fact which I daresay is due to my being situated too high up in the hotel for the water cooler to reach it. If that's even a thing. IDFK.

My main question is: WTF are they doing to this poor stuff after they pull it from Lake Michigan? I feel like I'd have had better luck drinking right from the lake and risked the chance that I'd spend the rest of the night puking. Would that have really happened? I doubt it. And I bet it would have been refreshingly mossy and natural, as compared to this 21st century feat of technology that I feel sure has left chemical deposits of all sorts of varieties in my kidneys.


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