Barcelona Defeats PSG 6-1 (6-5)

Luis Saurez taking one of his patented dives which, along with another bogus penalty, helped Barca to a victory.

Okay, does anyone else out there think the UEFA Champions League is fixed and ergo complete bullsh*t?

Barcelona FC came into this game down 0-4 to Paris St. Germain after the first leg of their Round of 16 game in Paris. Because of the bizarre way the Europeans do tournaments, the two teams play twice -- once in each team's home grounds -- and the aggregate score is what matters. Meaning, even if Barcelona won this game by a score of 3-0 they still would not have advanced, because the aggregate score would have been 4-3 in favor of PSG. Get it? Yeah, neither do I.

But basically, Barcelona needed to score at least five goals in order to emerge victorious and advance to the next round. And god forbid that not happen...

People are already calling this the greatest comeback in Champions League history. And whatever, who am I to argue, I've been following soccer closely for three years. Maybe Barca deserved it. But to me the whole thing smells a little "match fixy." Why?

The two garbage penalties against PSG, that's why. It's as though Barcelona knew that if they flopped enough in the box the refs, who are doubtless being bribed by Barcelona FC, would simply have to concede a couple of penalty kicks. And since football is a game in which a goal can be excruciatingly hard to get, a single PK can change the course of history. But two penalty kicks? Forgettaboutit. There's no way PSG would be able to come back from that. It would be like asking the goalie to play with his arms tied behind his back or something. Over.

International soccer, though great passion of mine, is a dark, twisted, and unfair sport, my friends. We here in the U.S. cannot possibly comprehend the seriousness with which the Europeans and Latin Americans take their football. It's more than a passion. It's a religion. And people will do strange things in the name of religion. Am I suggesting there is some direct quid-pro-quo going on in which Barcelona, because it's one of the richest clubs in the world, could buy the loyalty of the Champions League refs? I'm not only suggesting that, I suggesting that Barcelona FC is so big and powerful that, like gravity, it is pointless to go against it.

I mean to say that everyone knew Barcelona would somehow emerge victorious in this match and in the round one way or another. Either through actual goal scoring, or dubious penalties, or trickery, or some other means. Europe is the birthplace of socialism and yet Barcelona FC were entitled to win this match just by virtue of being Barcelona. And so it was handed to them on a silver platter, and that's what pisses me off.

Oh and P.S. Luis Suarez is a flop-artist and I hate him worse than I hate Arjen Robben.